This is my longest blog post and it’s still not even half of what I want to say! But it gets the general point across.
College was such an intense journey for me! I changed majors (and schools) many times. I felt totally lost, scared and uncertain about my future; there were even times when I was certain I wouldn’t graduate. Then, I found the light at the end of the tunnel – a school and major that was a perfect match.
I started my college journey in 2013, at a private college with a major in journalism. I felt like I had my whole life planned out at the time. Then, everything just fell apart – the major and the school were just not what I was expecting.
After my year there, I transferred to a local community college for two years and mainly worked on some general education courses, but also tested out a few different majors (Writing/English) as well. Going from living in a college dorm in another town to a local community college felt like I was going backwards, so I experienced some severe depression because of this and from feeling like I wasn’t good at any major. I skipped classes and my grades plummeted because I only had a strain of motivation left. I also cut a lot of people out of my life and disassociated with society because I was tired of “explaining my life” when I myself had no idea what was going on.
I applied to MTSU mostly knowing I wouldn’t get in because of my grades – but to my surprise, I was actually accepted! This gave me my second wind, suddenly I felt like I had potential and was given a fresh start. But even though I loved the school and the major, I still started to experience severe social anxiety and depression – which got in the the way of my learning. I feared once again for my future graduation-wise and in general. Fortunately, I eventually talked to the school’s DAC and my main college professor about this and they both took it seriously. With their support, I was able to graduate from college.
My graduation day was absolutely surreal. Even when I was shaking hands with the president and crossing the stage, I couldn’t believe it. I was so anxious about the day that I almost bailed – but I am so, so glad I didn’t because it was truly one of the best days of my life.
A few side notes:
Community college was NOT a step back, I realize. It felt like it at the time, but it was actually a time for me to rediscover myself, my mental health and of course different majors – all while completing the gen-ed courses I needed to graduate with any kind of degree.
I am beyond thankful for my family because they were always supportive of me. I felt like a total financial and general burden on them throughout this journey, but they loved me anyways and supported my decisions – even when I felt like quitting college, they didn’t let me feel bad about it.
My mental health broke down so badly during college, that I actually reached out for help for the first time ever. It was during these years that I discovered I have severe Social Anxiety Disorder. The best thing I did was reach out for help and see someone about it. I know there is still a stigma around mental health, but it is real. Since I’ve reached out, I have recovered greatly but still have ways to go.
Since learning about my condition, I have realized that I have had it for as long as I can remember – but it definitely worsened during my college experience. I still have social anxiety and so I mainly speak through creative outlets like social media and writing. Although I may not be able to present/speak in front of crowds, I am still capable of doing the work required of me aside from that. I know now that I am not totally worthless just because of this issue, even though it is emphasized so much in college and at workplaces.
To the friends I cut ties with during my hard times: I am sorry. You did nothing wrong. And even though I am doing so much better than I was then, I am still recovering and healing – so please bear with me. I want to have a real relationships with you all again.
Created by Cleo 